Varania's Regret
by Twitcher
Summary: 'We were free to live our lives, but the world was ending. Leto wasn't coming with us.' A look at Fenris' time with Danarius from his sister's point of view.  Mentions of sexual situations and M!Hawke/Fenris


_Oh hey, just a quick look at Fenris' time in Danarius' service from Varania's point of view. I've tried my hardest to keep it as accurate as I can with what little we know so apologies for any mistakes. Enjoy m'dears_

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><p>I can remember the day they took him away from Mother and I. I was holding her hand as they led him to the Magister, her wails echoing around the courtyard. The sun beat down but all I recall feeling was icy disbelief at what was happening. He stood straight, proud even but I saw the pain in his eyes when he glanced back briefly before being taken inside the grand building. We were free to live our lives, but the world was ending. Leto wasn't coming with us.<p>

Mother was inconsolable. Her little boy was gone forever and we both knew that nothing would bring him back to us, not after what Danarius was going to do to him. While the others gathered under that unforgiving sun saw only a skilled, strong young man going to receive the ultimate prize of power and privilege, Mother and I could see the scared little boy desperate to remain where he belonged. To this day, I don't know whether his sacrifice wasn't in vain.

We remained in Danarius' service, as servants rather than slaves. Life was if anything harder than before, we were living in the slums of Minrathous, there was no master to protect us from the cruelties of the outside world and the journey to the sprawling estate was dangerous. Mother worked washing clothes whilst I was tasked with waiting on Hadriana. She was a cruel woman, but her power and her status left me in awe. I too held the gift of magic, it was why I was assigned to her. I was told that if I showed promise and good character I might be lucky enough to become an apprentice myself. It wasn't true, but I still convinced myself to believe it.

But the weeks went by and Leto had all but vanished. It was many months before we saw him but when we did, it was awful. His glossy black hair was gone, apparently it had fallen out and was growing back in patches of strange silvery stubble. The shimmering markings spiralled across his skin and around his arms, disappearing under his clothing and reappearing over his throat and chin, stopping at his lower lip. But it was his eyes that had changed the most. There was none of the warmth and joy that had reflected from them since the day he was born. They contained only a cold emptiness and no trace of the carefree boy Mother and I had loved so.

I think the sight broke Mother's heart. He was no longer Leto, her son and my little brother. This young man was Fenris, the prized weapon of Danarius. He was seen at the Magister's side at all times, a looming shadow capable of pulling your still beating heart from your chest before you had the chance to draw breath to scream. He showed no sign of recognition when Mother and I walked past and when I managed to speak with him the words he uttered shattered any foolish hope that we had held of him coming home to us.

"I have no family. I exist to serve."

The years passed and we watched him grow from an adolescent to a man. The blank mask never once slipped, the devotion and adoration for his master never faded. He was Danarius' favourite toy, constantly paraded about for the other Magisters to admire, to touch and caress. I remember the terrible day when Hadriana had him brought to her rooms. The things she did to him were depraved and she made us all watch as she violated and humiliated my poor brother. He bore it, the dignity and pride in his eyes never once dimming as the sweat broke out over his skin and the gasps of pain ripped their way from his throat. When it was over he even bowed to her as the shredded skin on his back bled and thanked her upon her order for him to show her his gratitude. The event remains burned into my mind and I can never forget it. It still sickens me. But it was the way, it was what was done. I can accept that.

Mother had fallen into a slow decline in the years after he was taken. Her broken heart slowly bled out her essence and soon she was an old woman before she had reached her middle years. When Danarius went to Seheron to fight the Qunari and took Leto with him but returned alone, it was the final blow. Mother died shortly afterwards. Her last words were of him, she spoke of how she loved him with her final breath. I was alone.

It was revealed eventually that Leto wasn't dead. He had been left behind in Seheron by accident. It was the only speck of hope I had, even if he didn't acknowledge me, at least he had still been there, tangible and a memory of happier times. If he was brought back then the loneliness that had plagued me since Mother's death might finally evaporate. Danarius went back to collect him and returned once more without my brother. Leto had escaped, fled from his master beyond the call of his magic. I consider this his final act of abandonment. I had been a fool to think that Leto still lived. Leto died the day that lyrium was branded into his flesh. Fenris hadn't cared for me, he hadn't even remembered who I was and I knew he wouldn't come back to take me away too. I left Danarius and came into the service of Ahriman where I remained for the next number of years.

When I got the letter I didn't know what to do. Here was a letter signed from Fenris, claiming me as his sister, pleading with me to come to him in the Free Marches. I wanted with all of my heart to just slip from the estate and go, to see if Leto hadn't died after all. But I was still bitter, he had left me long ago and I could never forgive him. So I gave the letter to Danarius. My reward was instant, I was to replace Hadriana as his apprentice should the plan he concocted worked. I did as I was told and kept up correspondence with Fenris. It was like writing to the faintest shade of Leto. The writing was eloquent, I could hear his words as if he spoke them. He told me a man named Hawke was writing the letters for him as his skill wasn't sufficient to write them himself. Hawke featured in many of the letters, tales of his adventures were frequent and I could sense the admiration behind the words.

Finally Danarius was ready to make his move. We boarded a ship bound for Kirkwall and went directly to the tavern where Fenris had said that he would meet me. I had lain awake the night before. I was so certain that Leto was dead and gone. I wasn't betraying my brother, I was simply helping my teacher and guide reclaim his property, nothing more. But a small part of me recited the passages of the letters, the tentative hope that they had held that perhaps we might be a family again. I prayed that the man I would meet wouldn't be my brother.

But it was. I could see that some of the light had returned to his eyes and he smiled at something that the tall dark haired man beside him had said. I was horrified, Leto was alive and I had betrayed his trust. I couldn't do anything about it, if I faltered I would be killed on the spot. So I went through with it. The moment that Leto saw Danarius is another moment that I will never forget. Naked fear and then hate flashed in his eyes. The man, Hawke, snarled and told Danarius to leave, that Fenris was no longer a slave and no longer belonged to him. Battle erupted and I watched as together Hawke and Leto cut a swathe through the men we had brought with us. Finally Leto reached down, his hand melting into Danarius' flesh as he crushed his windpipe.

"I would have given you everything."

There had been tears in his eyes and he had reached out and I knew he meant to kill me. I no longer knew who stood before me, Fenris or Leto. Maybe I had been wrong and neither existed. Maybe Fenris wasn't the man I thought he had been or maybe Leto had never died. I still don't know. I only live now because of Hawke. He had reached out and pulled Fenris to him, murmuring to him, imploring him not to do it. The last impression I have of the man who was, or maybe still is my brother was his face, etched with pain as the door closed behind me.

I don't know quite what I will do now. Maybe I'll return to Seheron, where we were born. Maybe I'll stay in the Free Marches. The Imperium has nothing for me any more, with Danarius dead I have nowhere to go. I can only thank you for writing these words down, as you did for Leto and I hope that maybe one day he will read this and understand. Look after him for me Hawke, as you said in the tavern as I left, he at least has you.

I loved you brother, never doubt it.


End file.
